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Eternal Sunshine Of The Spotless Mai/Transcript
Cast (In order of appearance): Yami Yugi, Joey, Dr. Feelgood, Téa, Tristan, Mai, Melvin, Gruber, Kaiba, Serenity, Duke, Mokuba Date: November 1, 2009 Running Time: 8:36 Transcript (Opening) YAMI: Here at Yu-Gi-Oh!, we like to think that Pokémon copies us. So there. (Hospital Room) JOEY: How bad is it, Dr. Feelgood? DR. FEELGOOD: Well, he was struck by lightning. In the head. So yeah, it's not looking good. TÉA: We have to help him! DR. FEELGOOD: Medical science is already doing everything it can. TÉA: (interrupting) Screw medical science! I'm talking about friendship! DR. FEELGOOD: I beg your pardon? TÉA: Friendship is the only cure for a lightning bolt to the face! YAMI: That's right! Joey was struck by lightning and now thanks to friendship he's okay! JOEY: Yep, my brain am thinking good with stuff. DR. FEELGOOD: Look, friendship isn't going to cure this man. TÉA: Silence, non-believer! Go back to your leeches and your potions! The power of friendship and Tristan's beautiful singing voice shall heal him! DR. FEELGOOD: You guys are morons. Have fun staring at a guy in a coma. TRISTAN: (singing) Lean on me, when you're not strong, and I'll be your friend... (Title sequence) MAI: Hey, Joey! Remember that dream you had? JOEY: For the last time, I wasn't wearing a dog suit and Kaiba wasn't having dream sex with me. MAI: No, Joey, the other dream. JOEY: Oh yeah, the one where all my friends help me get back on my feet. What about it, Mai? MAI: I was just wondering, was I in it? JOEY: (thinking) Oh man, if I tell Mai that she was in my dream, she might actually start to develop feelings for me! That would be very bad for some reason! Must avoid potential subplot! (speaking) Nyeh, I wouldn't dream about you if you were the last person on earth. Yep, my dreams are a boob-free zone. Hope that makes you feel better about yourself, Mai! (thinking again after leaving Mai's room) Man, that could've been really awkward. Luckily I am a master of subtlety— (Téa grabs on Joey's ear) Nyeeeh-wutete! TÉA: Joey Wheeler! I am very disappoint! JOEY: (knocks Téa's hand away) Hey, I only let girls grab me in two specific areas. The ears are not one of them. TÉA: I can't believe you didn't start a relationship with the first woman who laid eyes on you. As a fanfic-writer, I'm extremely disgusted. (grabs Joey's ear and yells into it) I'm so angry, I could walk away like a pimp! ("People Get Up and Drive Your Funky Soul" by James Brown starts while Téa walks away like a pimp) DR. FEELGOOD: I'm glad I have such a long and villain-free life ahead of me. MELVIN: Hi there. Could I get a hug? DR. FEELGOOD: A hug? Sure, I don't see why not. (the sounds of chainsaw revving can be heard) Oh my god, it burns, it burns! MELVIN: Aaah, now that was a good hug. Hello, Odion. I got you an early birthday present. It's called being stabbed in the eye socket! I hope you don't already have one! GRUBER: Marik Ishtar, your presence is requested on ze main deck by order of ze führer. Heil Kaiba. MELVIN: Oh no, I'm late for a children's card game. This somehow prevents me from simply lowering my arm and murdering you. Punctuality, my Achilles' heel. (leaves Odion's room) GRUBER: Zis semi-final shall see Mai Valentine dueling Marik Ishtar. Ze real one zis time. JOEY: Hey Kaiba, since Marik entered the tournament under a fake name, shouldn't he be disqualified? KAIBA: (Tristan's face turns black) The only person who should be disqualified around here is whoever made Tristan black in this shot. TRISTAN: Don't you be hatin' on my black face, playah! MELVIN: What's up, whore-biscuit? MAI: (thinking) Marik! When I defeat him it'll prove that I don't need friends to be a strong person. That'll show Joey for not including me in his brain-damage-induced hallucinations! CAPTION: reasoning ftw! MAI: Let's Duel! MELVIN: You have guts; I like that in a victim. TÉA: Yugi! What's that thing? YAMI: It's the same card Marik used in his Duel against me! (to Mai) Mai, listen! There's something you must know— MAI: Don't even think about trying to help me Yugi. I'm winning this card game by myself. YAMI: No, I was just going to say we can all totally see your nipples through that top. It's really quite astounding, I mean, they're right there! MAI: Um... thanks. I guess? MELVIN: Now, I'm going to use my Millennium Rod, which I keep clenched between my buttocks, to send this duel to the Shadow Realm. YAMI: Melvin, no! MELVIN: Melvin, yes! TRISTAN: Damn sucka, this Shadow Realm be all up in my grill! That Melvin is wiggedy-wack, y'all. JOEY: Tristan, you're not black anymore. TRISTAN: Shiii— YAMI: Melvin has turned this into a shadow game. Now the very fate of Mai's cleavage hangs in the balance. MELVIN: Now, watch as I use the power of the shadows to erase your memories! MAI: No way! How am I supposed to distract my opponents without these magnificent breasts? MELVIN: Memories, not mammaries! Honestly, whore-biscuit, the world doesn't just revolve around your boobs. Every time one of your monsters is destroyed, a new memory will be erased from your mind. So say ta-ta to your beloved Joey! YAMI: Melvin has blocked Joey from Mai's brain. It's just like what he did to TeamFourStar. TRISTAN: (offscreen) Who? MAI: Two can play at that game. Unfriendly Amazon, destroy his Makyura the Destroyer! Now one of your memories will be erased. MELVIN: I hate to burst your bubble, but there's nobody in my head worth remembering. (insert Mr. Tweetums) AHAHAHA— Wait, no, Mr. Tweetums! I can't forget about him! MAI: Looks like your little birdie flew away, Marik. MELVIN: You made me forget the best friend I ever had. Just for that I'm going to strangle you with your own bosoms. MAI: Guess again! I use Amazon Chain Master's special effect to take one card from your deck, and the card I choose is... Mega-Ultra Chicken! MELVIN: What?! KAIBA: Summonitsummonitsummonitsummonitsummonitsummonit! MAI: And now I'm going to summon it! KAIBA: (offscreen) Finally! Geez! JOEY: Deyamn! TÉA AND SERENITY: Deyamn! TRISTAN AND DUKE: Deyamn! KAIBA AND MOKUBA: Deyamn! YAMI: (Deadpan) Deyamn. TÉA: Yugi, what's ''that'' thing? YAMI: A naked Welshman riding a unicycle. How the bloody hell should I'' know?! '''MELVIN': (Laughs evilly) You didn't think it was going to be that easy, did you? MAI: You know, for a second there, yeah, I kinda did. MELVIN: Silly whore-biscuit. The only way to command Mega-Ultra Chicken is by reading aloud the mystic chant inscribed upon the card. I assume you know how to read ancient Egyptian? MAI: I knew I shouldn't have skipped that class! KAIBA: Mokuba, tell our satellites to get a picture of that text. MOKUBA: To the Mokuba Mobile! KAIBA: There isn't a Mokuba Mobile. TÉA: (offscreen) Yugi, what's that thing? YAMI: Téa, that's Kaiba. MELVIN: (succeeds in Summoning Mega Ultra Chicken) Arise, chicken! Arise! Now it's my turn, prepare to taste defeat, Mai Valentine, as I attack you directly with the awesome power of my God Card. JOEY: (thinking) Must... risk... life... for breasts. (aloud) Can you hear me Mai? It's me, Joey. Joey Wheeler. MAI: That voice, that annoying Brooklyn accent... so familiar. JOEY: Mai, there's something you should know; about that dream I had, I didn't mean what I said; I lied to you, Mai. MAI: Joey, you mean— JOEY: Yes, I really did have dream-sex with Kaiba. MAI: ...Not really what I was hoping to hear at this point. MELVIN: You guys make a cute couple— of dead people! Mega-Ultra Chicken, destroy their budding romance subplot! MAI: Quick, Joey, hide yourself in my cleavage. It's your only chance. JOEY: I thought you'd never ask. YAMI: (gets between the two and Ra's attack) Joey, what did I tell you about being careful— Uuwhooooahhhwohoho! I definitely should have seen this coming! MELVIN: Ahaha! Yes, burn Pharaoh, buuurn! YAMI: Look, I'm burning, okay? I can't exactly burn anymore than I'm doing right now. MELVIN: Buuurn. YAMI: I'm doing it, geez! MELVIN: Burn! YAMI: Ughaahaa. (Falls to the floor) Again, right on my keys. JOEY: Melvin, you sonuvabitch, you stay away from Mai or I'll— MELVIN: (unsheathes a lightsaber from his Millennium Rod.) You really have no clue what you're f**king with here, do you? JOEY: Ahhh, yeah, I'll just be getting out of the way now. MELVIN: Yeah, that's what I thought. (goes to Mai and kneels in front of her) So, whore-biscuit, it looks like I won our little Duel; and since it was a Shadow Game, that means your soul is mine to do with as I will. And you know what that means? We're going to the frigging beach, mothaf*cka! ("Wipe Out" plays) MAI: Marik, you bastard! What have you done?! MELVIN: I have doomed you to exist in your own worst nightmare: a world where everybody's breasts are bigger than yours! MAI: Even Tristan's? MELVIN: Especially Tristan's! TRISTAN: My brizzests are off the hizzle fo shizzle. DUKE: Deyamn! (Ending, "People Get Up and Drive Your Funky Soul" starts again) CAPTION: yugi's uniform is flame retardant (Stinger) ZIGFRIED: Now we make... PARTY! Ha-ha-ha-ha! (Post-ending) TRISTAN (singing): ...it won't be long, 'til I'm gonna need, somebody to lean on. (stops singing) Hooray, he's all better now! TÉA: Suck on that, medical science! 2x21